Today marks 1 month since Wakia left our home. I have had great sadness today as I've reflected on the impact he had on my life, on our lives. Thinking over the memories we shared together was so sweet. Typically, on days when I'm sad or hurt, I usually eat to stuff my feelings. But today, I was able to name my feelings and rest in God's spaciousness. This was my prayer....
Lord, I want to eat because I'm emotional today. Sad, hurt and angry but in the midst of these feelings, I am glad.
"Gladness is about desiring deeply and having a willingness to walk through pain in the pursuit of the desire." Chip Dodd - The Voice of the Heart
HIGHLIGHTS:
*Pilates for 20 minutes
*Allowed myself 3 of Brit's V-day cookies (I'll be glad when the cookies are out of the house!)
*Wasn't tempted by the V-day candy Brit brought home from her school party.
*Again, didn't EAT to stuff my feelings.
*Continued to track my food and water intake
Another inch forward....
11 February 2009
10 February 2009
DAY 6
"I have come that they may have life and have it to the fullest."
John 10:10
This verse gives me so much hope!
HIGHLIGHTS:
*I experienced Curious Gourmet (a fancy cupcake shop) in downtown Franklin for the first time today. I quickly went in to buy 2 cupcakes for someone's birthday and while I was ordering, the head chef was in the process of giving me a FREE shortbread cookie to try and I stopped her! It was so FREEING to say NO! I still can't believe I uttered the words, No thank you, not today! There's a few things you need to know about me: I NEVER say NO to food; I LOVE cupcakes (or anything sweet for that matter) and I NEVER turn down FREE food! So, this was a monumental moment for me! :)
*No snacking while cooking dinner. This is a whole new world for me and definitely not the norm.....yet!
*I allowed myself 3 Valentine cookies Brit made after dinner.
*Worked out 25 minutes on the treadmill.
Inching forward....
John 10:10
This verse gives me so much hope!
HIGHLIGHTS:
*I experienced Curious Gourmet (a fancy cupcake shop) in downtown Franklin for the first time today. I quickly went in to buy 2 cupcakes for someone's birthday and while I was ordering, the head chef was in the process of giving me a FREE shortbread cookie to try and I stopped her! It was so FREEING to say NO! I still can't believe I uttered the words, No thank you, not today! There's a few things you need to know about me: I NEVER say NO to food; I LOVE cupcakes (or anything sweet for that matter) and I NEVER turn down FREE food! So, this was a monumental moment for me! :)
*No snacking while cooking dinner. This is a whole new world for me and definitely not the norm.....yet!
*I allowed myself 3 Valentine cookies Brit made after dinner.
*Worked out 25 minutes on the treadmill.
Inching forward....
09 February 2009
DAY 5
I have a ritual every morning when I wake...I walk down the dark hall in the early morn, open the blinds in the dining room, and look out with wonder at the sky. This morning was no exception to God's creative works. The sky was painted in pinks and reds...it was gorgeous! As I read and study God's word, I occasionally look up and out the window in front of me at God's creation. I've felt so connected to God these past 5 days. As I read this morning, these verses about living in a pit really struck me.
Psalm 40:2-3
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."
I'm in desperate need of deliverance and decided to look up the meaning online. Here's what I found out...
DELIVERANCE means recovery or preservation from loss or danger; rescue.
I feel guilt and shame because I feel like I've lost so much of myself living with my food addiction. A friend said a quote tonight that really hit me. He said, "A quest is getting in the boat and never looking back." I am on a quest....to find my true self and to know God.
HIGHLIGHTS
*For the first time ever, I didn't dread going to our weekly community group meeting. Dread because in the past I knew that the dinners we enjoyed together would be so tempting for me to handle. Tonight, however, I ate in moderation and even enjoyed a small piece of cake. It was so empowering!!
*It's late and I'm beat so I didn't get my workout in today. My goal is to workout 4 times a week. So far I've worked out 3 times since Thursday so I have one more exercise time to schedule before this Thursday.
*I've noticed that while I'm cooking dinner or making Britain's snacks, I'm not eating or grazing as I go. This is a HUGE deal in that my normality is to eat mindlessly all the time, even if I'm not hungry.
I'm so grateful for baby steps and for this quest God has me on!
Psalm 40:2-3
"He lifted me out of the slimy pit out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord."
I'm in desperate need of deliverance and decided to look up the meaning online. Here's what I found out...
DELIVERANCE means recovery or preservation from loss or danger; rescue.
I feel guilt and shame because I feel like I've lost so much of myself living with my food addiction. A friend said a quote tonight that really hit me. He said, "A quest is getting in the boat and never looking back." I am on a quest....to find my true self and to know God.
HIGHLIGHTS
*For the first time ever, I didn't dread going to our weekly community group meeting. Dread because in the past I knew that the dinners we enjoyed together would be so tempting for me to handle. Tonight, however, I ate in moderation and even enjoyed a small piece of cake. It was so empowering!!
*It's late and I'm beat so I didn't get my workout in today. My goal is to workout 4 times a week. So far I've worked out 3 times since Thursday so I have one more exercise time to schedule before this Thursday.
*I've noticed that while I'm cooking dinner or making Britain's snacks, I'm not eating or grazing as I go. This is a HUGE deal in that my normality is to eat mindlessly all the time, even if I'm not hungry.
I'm so grateful for baby steps and for this quest God has me on!
08 February 2009
DAY 4
Today was a gorgeous day! Sadly, I spent all day inside cleaning, straightening up, baking, writing notes, cooking and doing laundry. BEB is an amazing little helper just like her Dad so they graciously helped me. We did enjoy a little time outside this evening as the sun was setting. BEB jumped rope for the first time all by herself! She brings us so much JOY in so many ways.
While today was mostly a "chores" kind of day, I did manage to get on the treadmill for 30 minutes and pay particular attention to everything I ate. I made banana bread for a friend who just had a baby and intentionally made a small mini-loaf for our family instead of the regular size (which I usually end up eating more than half of on my own!). I feel empowered and encouraged on this journey as God holds my hand through it. I still don't feel like I've really "struggled" like I thought I would (up to this point, but it IS only Day 4!). I realize temptation is around the corner so I gear up for the battle every morning as I read God's word.
Thankful for another day....
While today was mostly a "chores" kind of day, I did manage to get on the treadmill for 30 minutes and pay particular attention to everything I ate. I made banana bread for a friend who just had a baby and intentionally made a small mini-loaf for our family instead of the regular size (which I usually end up eating more than half of on my own!). I feel empowered and encouraged on this journey as God holds my hand through it. I still don't feel like I've really "struggled" like I thought I would (up to this point, but it IS only Day 4!). I realize temptation is around the corner so I gear up for the battle every morning as I read God's word.
Thankful for another day....
07 February 2009
DAY 3
The day is ending and I'm grateful to be able to say that I survived my 3rd day - me vs. food! As I sip some yummy decaf my hubs made for me, I'm reflecting on God's graciousness and His ever present help when we call on Him.
A dear friend, had a small group of women over to her home this morning for a "tea party." She blessed and honored us with encouragement and God's Word and served the most incredible brunch I've ever had! Despite the treats and goodies she offered, I was able to eat in moderation and STILL enjoy the yummy foods I so love. It was a huge help (for me) that the portions she served were already moderate so it wasn't as easy for me to OD!
HIGHLIGHTS:
*Enjoyed (yes, actually enjoyed!) 20 minutes of Pilates AND 20 minutes on the treadmill.
*Chose healthier options at meals and didn't overeat.
*Filled up on water all day long.
*Resisted Jason's Deli free frozen yogurt....my favorite!
*I'm continuing to write down everything I eat & drink so I can track what I'm putting into my body.
Psalm 19:13
"Keep Your servant from willful sins;
do not let them rule over me.
Then I will be innocent,
and cleansed from blatant rebellion."
I love this quote by Beth Moore in her book "Get Out of That Pit"...
"Throughout your ascent out of the pit, never lose sight of the fact that God will forever be more interested in you knowing your Healer than experiencing His healing, and knowing your Deliverer than knowing your deliverance. God wants you out of that pit. He wants you in victory. Out of defeat."
Inching toward freedom...
A dear friend, had a small group of women over to her home this morning for a "tea party." She blessed and honored us with encouragement and God's Word and served the most incredible brunch I've ever had! Despite the treats and goodies she offered, I was able to eat in moderation and STILL enjoy the yummy foods I so love. It was a huge help (for me) that the portions she served were already moderate so it wasn't as easy for me to OD!
HIGHLIGHTS:
*Enjoyed (yes, actually enjoyed!) 20 minutes of Pilates AND 20 minutes on the treadmill.
*Chose healthier options at meals and didn't overeat.
*Filled up on water all day long.
*Resisted Jason's Deli free frozen yogurt....my favorite!
*I'm continuing to write down everything I eat & drink so I can track what I'm putting into my body.
Psalm 19:13
"Keep Your servant from willful sins;
do not let them rule over me.
Then I will be innocent,
and cleansed from blatant rebellion."
I love this quote by Beth Moore in her book "Get Out of That Pit"...
"Throughout your ascent out of the pit, never lose sight of the fact that God will forever be more interested in you knowing your Healer than experiencing His healing, and knowing your Deliverer than knowing your deliverance. God wants you out of that pit. He wants you in victory. Out of defeat."
Inching toward freedom...
06 February 2009
DAY 2
It's the end of Day 2....and the beginning of the weekend. I'm thankful to be able to say with honesty that God allowed me to live today in freedom. A healthy balance, in all areas. The weekends can be scary for me because typically we eat out more and entertain more with friends (parties, dinners, etc) so I'm going into tomorrow very aware of the temptations that lie ahead. God, give me Your strength!
HIGHLIGHTS:
*Resisted the candy bowl temptation at the bank (typically I grab a handful of tootsie rolls!)
*Went to a Mexican restaurant with a full belly, didn't even have a desire to eat from the basket of chips staring at me. I was able to say NO when offered food.
*Drowned myself in water.
These two verses in Psalms really struck me this morning in my worship time.
Psalm 119:98
"Your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for they are ever with me."
Psalm 40:8
"I desire to do Your will, O my God; Your law is within my heart."
Words of wisdom from Scott Reall (quotes from "Journey to Freedom"):
Consistency + Time + Grace = Transformation
In the valley is the vision.
God made our bodies to carry our spirits around for our human experience. That's it.
God wants me to have a healthy relationship with self and food, to balance.
I want deliverance from bondage.
Go a different way.
Discover a vision.
Turn from my own logic.
Hope thinks new thoughts.
HIGHLIGHTS:
*Resisted the candy bowl temptation at the bank (typically I grab a handful of tootsie rolls!)
*Went to a Mexican restaurant with a full belly, didn't even have a desire to eat from the basket of chips staring at me. I was able to say NO when offered food.
*Drowned myself in water.
These two verses in Psalms really struck me this morning in my worship time.
Psalm 119:98
"Your commands make me wiser than my enemies, for they are ever with me."
Psalm 40:8
"I desire to do Your will, O my God; Your law is within my heart."
Words of wisdom from Scott Reall (quotes from "Journey to Freedom"):
Consistency + Time + Grace = Transformation
In the valley is the vision.
God made our bodies to carry our spirits around for our human experience. That's it.
God wants me to have a healthy relationship with self and food, to balance.
I want deliverance from bondage.
Go a different way.
Discover a vision.
Turn from my own logic.
Hope thinks new thoughts.
05 February 2009
DAY 1
It's day one and after a long day, I am able to say the Lord gave me the strength and self-control needed to fight the good fight. And honestly, it wasn't that hard! Tomorrow may bring temptations, but for today, I'm thankful for His power on this first day of my journey to find freedom in the moments of life.
HIGHLIGHTS:
*The Merridee's Banana bread in the kitchen at work surprisingly didn't call my name. I'm shocked! Normally I would've eaten half the loaf!
*I spent most of the day in the bathroom going potty...lots of H2O!
*I only ate 2 small peppermint patties instead of 20 (and I'm not exaggerating!) :)
*Wrote down everything I ate & drank to stay on track.
*New discovery - fell in love with Trader Joe's Blackberry fruit infusion tea. Yum, yum.
*Enjoyed a 20 minute Windsor Pilates workout
"The caged bird only wants to sing, to be fully alive." -Scott Reall
Psalm 124:7
"We have escaped like a bird out of the fowler's snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped."
My prayer early this morning was...
Jesus, give me Your strength to break the chains; courage to leave the cage; power & might to FLY and SOAR!
I read this excerpt From My Utmost for His Highest daily devotions a few months ago and it's starting to make sense...
"Until we give up our illusion of control over others and God, we will never understand what we do have control over: our own choices and our own intent. Personal power, which is knowing what we do have control over and taking action, eludes us until we accept that we are helpless over other people and God. The paradox is that we cannot move into personal power until we accept our powerlessness over everything but ourselves.
Once your rights to yourself are surrendered to God, your true personal nature begins responding to God immediately. Jesus Christ brings freedom to your total person, and even your individuality is transformed. The transformation is brought about by love— personal devotion to Jesus. Love is the overflowing result of one person in true fellowship with another.
The characteristics of individuality are independence and self-will. We hinder our spiritual growth more than any other way by continually asserting our individuality. If you say, "I can't believe," it is because your individuality is blocking the way; individuality can never believe. But our spirit cannot help believing. Watch yourself closely when the Spirit of God is at work in you. He pushes you to the limits of your individuality where a choice must be made. The choice is either to say, "I will not surrender," or to surrender, breaking the hard shell of individuality, which allows the spiritual life to emerge. The Holy Spirit narrows it down every time to one thing (see Matthew 5:23-24 ). It is your individuality that refuses to "be reconciled to your brother" ( Matthew 5:24 ). God wants to bring you into union with Himself, but unless you are willing to give up your right to yourself, He cannot. ". . . let him deny himself . . ."— deny his independent right to himself. Then the real life-the spiritual life-is allowed the opportunity to grow."
HIGHLIGHTS:
*The Merridee's Banana bread in the kitchen at work surprisingly didn't call my name. I'm shocked! Normally I would've eaten half the loaf!
*I spent most of the day in the bathroom going potty...lots of H2O!
*I only ate 2 small peppermint patties instead of 20 (and I'm not exaggerating!) :)
*Wrote down everything I ate & drank to stay on track.
*New discovery - fell in love with Trader Joe's Blackberry fruit infusion tea. Yum, yum.
*Enjoyed a 20 minute Windsor Pilates workout
"The caged bird only wants to sing, to be fully alive." -Scott Reall
Psalm 124:7
"We have escaped like a bird out of the fowler's snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped."
My prayer early this morning was...
Jesus, give me Your strength to break the chains; courage to leave the cage; power & might to FLY and SOAR!
I read this excerpt From My Utmost for His Highest daily devotions a few months ago and it's starting to make sense...
"Until we give up our illusion of control over others and God, we will never understand what we do have control over: our own choices and our own intent. Personal power, which is knowing what we do have control over and taking action, eludes us until we accept that we are helpless over other people and God. The paradox is that we cannot move into personal power until we accept our powerlessness over everything but ourselves.
Once your rights to yourself are surrendered to God, your true personal nature begins responding to God immediately. Jesus Christ brings freedom to your total person, and even your individuality is transformed. The transformation is brought about by love— personal devotion to Jesus. Love is the overflowing result of one person in true fellowship with another.
The characteristics of individuality are independence and self-will. We hinder our spiritual growth more than any other way by continually asserting our individuality. If you say, "I can't believe," it is because your individuality is blocking the way; individuality can never believe. But our spirit cannot help believing. Watch yourself closely when the Spirit of God is at work in you. He pushes you to the limits of your individuality where a choice must be made. The choice is either to say, "I will not surrender," or to surrender, breaking the hard shell of individuality, which allows the spiritual life to emerge. The Holy Spirit narrows it down every time to one thing (see Matthew 5:23-24 ). It is your individuality that refuses to "be reconciled to your brother" ( Matthew 5:24 ). God wants to bring you into union with Himself, but unless you are willing to give up your right to yourself, He cannot. ". . . let him deny himself . . ."— deny his independent right to himself. Then the real life-the spiritual life-is allowed the opportunity to grow."
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